Thursday, September 9, 2010

White Flag of Surrender

We watched a movie the other night that was so strange that we had to keep watching just to see how it ended. At the end we looked at each other and said, "what?" It wasn't until the middle of the night in a quiet house that I got it and could see perfectly how it applied to my life. In the movie an 11 year old girl goes to the national spelling bee. Her dad has coached her for months but at the same time her mom is having her own little break down. At the end mom is in an institution because she is has been stealing little things to make modge podge decor to try and put the "pieces back together". The little girl is desperately trying to please her dad and at the same time trying to "save" her mom. In the end she is about to win and she purposely misspells a word that she knew. I was confused, she could have had it, why did she chose to lose on purpose? As soon as she looses, however her family is healed. That confused me. However at 3 in the morning with my sweet baby in my arms I got the point.

I have had in my mind a picture of what my home and family life should look like for a long time now. In that picture you would see a clean home, healthy meals and snacks, order and a place for everything. In that picture are one on one dates with the kids and the hubby, kind words spoken and voices that are never raised in anger. You would see mom and dad faithfully fulfilling their callings and doing their home and visiting teaching. I am huge into learning and so the kids would be at home learning and we would be reading voraciously for hours a day. I also believe in exercise so mom would be running and the kids would also have an active life. Mom would study, because mom loves to study and the kids wouldn't spend more than a small amount of time in front of the TV or computer. My food storage would be caught up and organized and I would be baking my own bread each day. Those are just a few of the things that I have seen in "my picture."

Last week I could clearly see that this little picture of mine was me being like that 11 year old girl. I was desperately trying to "spell" every word right and in the meantime those around me, myself included, were falling apart. I called my husband just sobbing, at work no less. Saying over and over, "I can't do it anymore!" Jamen and Isaac were homeschooling, but miserable and making everyone that lived here miserable right along with them. The sweet baby I was blessed with from heaven is a very needy baby and I was trying to hold him with one hand, correct math worksheets with the other and do laundry with my toes. It finally ocurred to me on the phone with hubby that it's true I can't do it and the bottom line is WE DON'T HAVE TOO!

So there I was choosing to misspell a word on purpose. Jamen and Isaac went back to school (two weeks late I might add) because they wanted to be there. I turned the laundry over to Kyle (it's not nearly as neatly folded or caught up as I want it to be), I quit nursing my baby (even though I know darn well it's better for him) because I have low milk supply and he was starving and cranky all of the time.

None of these things fit into "my picture" of the way things should be, but you know what? I am throwing the picture out. I am raising the white flag of surrender and turning my broken down self and family over to the Lord and doing the best with what I have got. Right now I have 6 sons who need mom to be gentle and happy more than they need to have a deep understanding of Charles Dickens. My husband needs a wife that doesn't greet him at the door in tears because she has marinated in those kids for so many hours that she just wants to run away. All of the things that have been in my picture are good things. I really meant well with every single thing. However, the Lord in his wisdom gave me 24 hours in a day and frankly with the life He has given me I can't do everything all of the time. You know I could probably do all of the things on that list, but the cost may be my sanity. The cost may be peace and harmony in our home in order to have the larundry folded perfectly and I don't want that. So for today three of my kids are in school and happy to be there. One of my kids is still home because he wants to be. He spent the morning reading Hamlet to his three year old brother, playing the violin and doing laundry. My darling baby is sleeping peacefully for the first time in days all filled up on formula and happy as can be....


Tevita and Jodi said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering how you have been. I think as long as we trust in the Lord we can't go wrong. You are still my hero and I love ya!

Jess said...

what great insight! sounds like you are all grown up in figuring these things out. I've found that I'm much happier if I can just say no to things and hold my sleeping baby. Time passes way to fast to worry about "the picture". Mine has changed an awful lot over the last few years and I'm a happier person because of it. Keep up the good work!