Saturday, June 6, 2009

Multiple Personality Disorder Girl

I have a friend whose blog I read...on that blog she has a list of blogs titled, "Blogs I read that you shouldn't" Like any good defiant teen of 34 I couldn't help myself from looking them up and then spent the next hour reading one and laughing so hard I almost peed my pants (apparently if I am like most women near my age I will be doing that soon anyway). After reading it the blog posts started filling my mind and I realize there is an inner conflict in me that battles almost constantly, either that or I have multiple personality disorder. Let me introduce you to the two Heather's...On the one hand we have Typical Mormon Housewife Girl...This one works hard to keep things neat, orderly and happy. I home school and as of yesterday own chickens. I make my own bread and read to my children like crazy. We do morning devotional and have family home evening. I read parenting books and make charts for everything. We attend church every week and I love the Lord. I can bear my testimony with tears and I mean every word of it. I believe in family and at the moment have five children, but still don't consider us a large family. I drive a mini van. I adore my husband and have been married to him since I was a child (19 almost 20). I have a fake Scentsy candle wafting out lovely smells most of the time. I try to do what is right, I spell check and do food storage inventory. I used to scrapbook and know that I will probably start doing it again. You know her, sometimes you don't like her very much....let's hear it for Typical Mormon Housewife Girl!

Now may I introduce you to the other me! To friends like EE, Nic and T this girl is not really a shocking most of you, you just won't believe it! I have to bite my tongue almost constantly not to say the inappropriate sarcastic remark that I have for almost everything that is said. I think motherhood is wicked hard, harder than anything I have ever been faced with and some days there is nothing I would like more than to turn the job over to someone else. I hide candy from my kids and then hide myself so I can eat it without them. My husband's perfection sometimes annoys me to death and sometimes I swear just to see his eyes get all big. I have read Twilightmultiple times and I think it is stupid and a waste of time, but though the other me thrives on the productive use of time, this girl likes to waste it on anything remotely entertaining (may I also add mindless teenage chick flicks here). The other me is already worried that keeping it real will offend so many of you that I try daily to be like. Most of my friends appear to enjoy their children and love them so much that butterflies appear to be shooting out their faces every time they look at them. Sometimes when I wake up I make a rule that my children can't talk until I have had a shower. They never actually shut it, but I still say it. Point being there is a lack of butterflies shooting out of me a lot. Some of you know her, most of you don't. But, this is me anyway so a big round of applause for Psycho, Immature Full Grown Teenage Girl!

I could yammer on until the end of time. But after spending two days with a friend recently I realized a couple of things. First off, people don't like you if they think you are really and truly perfect. It makes you completely unapproachable and it's just not real. Second, I am tired. I am tired of trying to be "perfect". I am not. My children are not. The husband I love and I can fight better than most people, we also know that doesn't mean it's the end for us. I am going to try and live in peace with these two women. I know that some of that "evil" stuff needs to be tweaked (not like tweaking which I learned from my friend is mom's on meth), but you know improved. But, like it or not I just might be both. The me that hates holidays, parties and social gatherings and the me who plans each of those with a theme and a clean house because it is the right thing to do....who do you like best?

So feel free to write whatever you think about this...Some of you will go with the typical perfect response "oh Heather, none of us are perfect, but we just love you, love you no matter what." And that will be greatly appreciated. Or you can say what you are really thinking things like:
  • "You weren't fooling anyone we always knew you were a loser"
  • You can leave tips of the best places to hide while eating peanut butter M&M's
  • "Sarcasm is an art, feel free to use it."
  • Feel free to introduce me to your alternate self, I would love to meet her!
I spell checked this, but I am not taking the time to find a fitting photo to match...In the future, if I chose to continue to blog which personality do you prefer. Gorgeous pics of my kids in matching outfits in the perfect seasonal setting or me ranting on like an old version of Avril Lavine with no musical talent?


EE said...

Good morning. The best thing for me is the surprise waiting. Who will it be? You know, atleast for me I get tired of myself when always in one attitude. You're lucky to have two personalities. I'd bet most of us do. I love them both. I aspire to be like one, but without the other I would have to despise you. Luv EE

Jess said...

I have two packages of candy hidden in my room. One of chocolate covered cinnamon bears and one of chocolate covered marshmellow bears. I live too close to the sweet's factory. I have intentions of sharing, but so far the only person who is a recipient is my husband. Be yourself. Nobody expects anybody to be perfect except for themselves. When you really really get this concept you will experience so much freedom!

Laura said...

Who knew? Multiple personality isn't a disorder it's just...."different". I'm glad that I'm not the only one. The voices make me happy know? I try to keep my naughty side hidden but my hubby knows all about it. I'm just glad your not so amazing that you don't have time to be weird too. BTW...I didn't know about the car accident. That makes me feel bad.

Piper said...

You see this post right here? This is why I wrote, "I'm Standing at a Crossroads", and to be perfectly truthful, I haven't picked which side I'm going to go down yet, because I don't want to leave either side of me behind.

I LOVE BOTH SIDES OF HEATHER. You couldn't be who you are if you weren't annoyed by your kids while you eat your treats, and then didn't turn around to create this perfect little get-together.

My vote, keep both Heathers, because that's what's going to keep you from "tweaking".

Nate and Julie said...

Dearest Heather! This was a marvelous post. It is such a relief to hear that I'm not the only one with these two personalities inside one person. You are still my hero, and I totally look up to both of your sides. I do the same thing with candy. My kids know about it, and look for it, but they know to stay the heck out of it! I do, however, share with Nate sometimes so I don't feel guilty.

mlg said...

Scott and I like to tell the kids we are going to "check" on our "special" friend from Church, the kids never want to go and then we go to Baskin and Robins for ice is our little secret, the kids buy it everything even the 18 year old! And I just threaten the kids with bodily harm if they touch MY chocolate! What is sad is that they believe me!

Trisha said...

Oh, I love it!! And I must say that my favorite is "Psycho, Immature Full Grown Teenage Girl." I think I can identify with her more.

The Vakautakakala's said...

You probably didn't know I read your blog, but every time I click on Jodi's I have to check yours too, just because I find it SO entertaining!! Please don't stop!! I think if wishing you had a break from your life for a few hours, being so excited to go out to eat with just the girls, (just so you don't have to cut up your kids food) or hiding candy in the top of your closet (at easter I bought about 25-30 bags at half price and am now down to 6)is not normal for a busy mom than what is?!!

LC said...

You are real and oh so funny. I love that you can say it like it is and get away with it.

Everyone is normal until you get to know them--I read that quote somewhere, isn't it true.

I guess you'll understand if I bring PB M&M's for my healthy snack at our get healthy get- together next week?
There are some foods that are good for our MENTAL health.

Perla said...

i love both heathers. and i think there are others, too. there is adventurous volunteer heather who would be in haiti full-time working at different orphanages or rescuing kids from slavery.

and by the way, i think a good place to hide treats is in between folded sweaters in my closet to only be eaten when the bedroom door is locked or kids are in bed.

Pete and Mare said...

You my dear I prefer you. Thank you for not being perfect and down to earth yet striving to do the best you can. I really think you are great and I am very happy to know you! Keep up the great work! ~Mare p.s. give me some better places to hide my twizzlers, my kids are always eating them out of my nightstand. I need a better stash of bad candies, but first I need a better place to hid them and me. lol Hugs.

Emily said...

You are so funny! I just love reading your posts. I think every mother has multiple personalities, we have to for survival. Candy hidden for you alone is just a privilege you earned when you became a mother. Ice cream after kids bedtime (and sometime hubby's) is one of mine. I need new hiding spots for candy...preferably ones I will remember. I have a tendency to hide things really well sometimes so even I can't find them.

I like both personalities and I love to know that you aren't perfect, makes me feel a lot better!

DO NOT quit blogging!


Dave and Kristin said...

I have to say I had good times with girl number 2. She was a blast! Never let her go!!!

Anonymous said...

my goal that I hope to reach sometime in this life, is to just stop wearing all the different "hats" or "masks" and just be me: the good the bad and everything inbetween. So I love seeing you working on it too. Your triumphs and your struggles on your road to Heather!

Nichole said...

Your only claiming 2 personalities at this time. I know secretly a few other's lye under that skin of your's. I happen to like all 13 of your personalities. Miss you like crazy wish you were here,