Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Are You In There?

You know since the birth of my fifth child I have lost something that I am almost sure I need to find...that would be me. Today I feel as if I am a free wheeling woman with time stretched out before me to myself and I can't for the life of me decide what I should even want to do with it. Kyle is off at my friends doing a history class, Jamen is in school and Isaac started his first day of pre-school. Grayson is home with the flu and comatose in front of Dora and the baby is napping. The only thing I could think to do was fix myself a giant bowl of ice cream and sit at the computer. So with Reeses Peanut butter cups melting in my mouth I am asking the question "Where in the world is Heather Friant?"
Before baby number five if you asked what I would do with my free time I would say "run, read and scrapbook" and I made sure to do a little of each every week. I haven't gone for a run in weeks, the only thing I read is what I am reading to or with my children, and while I have 1000's of pics that I love from my new camera they are collecting dust on a shelf.
I think part of the "problem" is that most of the time I don't mind. I used to spout off the need to all mom's for them to have their own "thing" and while I still think it is good I just don't seem to miss it like I used to.
I have found a never ending supply of entertainment in learning with Kyle. I am learning more in his fourth grade studies than I did in my upper level college classes. I love having competitions with him to see who can get through a book the quickest (we are reading the last Harry Potter) and reading to him (we are reading Red Scarf Girl) and having him read to me (The Hobbit).
As for running...I know I should and the fall weather will make me want to. But, part of what I love about running is that I can eat normal and not gain weight when I run. Three weeks ago I got the flu and have lost my since of taste ever since. I am never hungry because nothing tastes...I have lost 9 pounds since. The pounds are nice, but boy do I miss taste...I eat ice cream because if I suck it long enough I get a little flavor.
Anyway, I don't know the point of this post. I honestly go to bed feeling fulfilled most of the time...but does completely losing yourself in motherhood mean that you cease to exist and if so should I care?


Amy said...

My mom always used to say that you live for your children...holidays, birthdays and everydays...I don't think you cease to exist, you just exist in your children...make sense? Anyways, your children are your existence and that should be more than good enough...

Tevita and Jodi said...

OK so I am starting to worry about your taste buds...maybe it's time! I need you and your organization skills!!!! Call me to see when you are coming up here.

Perla said...

whats the deal with the taste buds?

great post. and no. you should not care. my whole goal is not to care! "surrender to motherhood" has been my mantra for so long now and i'm still working on it. if you are there, then bravo! do i have to have #5 for that to happen?

Nichole said...

I have really enjoyed your post. I think that it is wonderful that you are content. I can hear you purring now. You should be happy and fullfilled. You have great kids, a good husband, and great strength. Good for you, and no I am not being sarcastic.

Thanks for your plug on my O.

Anonymous said...

Here's how I look at this fulfillment thing. And I think the whole do something just for you thing is trite. It doesn't always solve the problem at hand. BUT what has ALWAYS made the difference in how I feel about my life is if I'm working, even it it's only a little bit, on that part of me that is my mission. So, it totally makes sense to me that learning with Kyle has filled the place of running and scrapbooking because that fits into that mission part of you that is you. And someday, probably soon, you're going to get an itch to have some of those things back, but right now, just go with it!